Eleven months on…

Twelve months ago tomorrow, I was told my husband was dying. He only lived three weeks after that. It was a strange and lonely journey through his dying… and, as all who have lost important people will know, a hard trek though a series of ‘firsts’.

But, as Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes,  “…And there is nothing new under the sun.”

I can think of nothing worse, but perhaps these Israelites did. Their freedom came at a great cost.

Deuteronomy 8: 15 – 18

who led you through that great and terrible wilderness, in which were fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty land where there was no water; who brought water for you out of the rock of flint; who fed you in the wilderness with manna, which your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and that He might test you, to do you good in the end-  then you say in your heart, my power and the might of my hand have gained me this wealth. And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish (confirm) His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is today.

This was part of my morning Bible study and I could not help but compare it to these last eleven months since my husband’s death.

v 15a      who led you through that great and terrible wilderness, in which were fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty land where there was no water

Only someone who has ‘lost’ someone precious to him or her would truly understand the great and terrible wilderness of loss, although most could imagine some of it.

Fiery serpent imagev 15b     , in which were fiery serpents and scorpions

The pain in those early weeks was ‘fiery serpents’. Oh how they bit!

 

The scorpions, the sting of realisation that my precious husband, my best friend, was gone.

v 15c      and thirsty land where there was no water

There were only jagged rocks of pain.. oh the pain!

v 15 d    who brought water for you out of the rock of flint;

As I took my pain to Him, by His Spirit, came comfort… till the next time, and it was there again.

v 15 e    who fed you in the wilderness with manna

The truth and the promises all through His word. Eventually, the ‘tearing’ pain eased, but as anyone who has been in this position will know, the pain is always there, in the background… in the foreground sometimes. Those are the times when God’s word and truth provide the necessary help through the loneliness.

Surviving these eleven months has indeed been a test… of faith in God… in trust in God… and in love for God.

So yes, I would have to say that it has done me good in the end.

I cannot foresee ever not missing that special man, but I do know that God has the ‘big picture’ and is working His purpose out.

Physically I am not wealthy. Spiritually, I am working on it. And I know, most surely, that my ‘might’ has not brought me through this time. Comes to mind a phrase in…

1 Cor 4: 7… for what do you have that you did not receive.

Dear God, I need you quote

And I have to recognise the support, and physical help from my daughter, from other family members, and via emails and phone calls, support, love and encouragement to keep ‘walking’  from members of my church.

Susan

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6 thoughts on “Eleven months on…

  1. Patty B

    Susan I have praying for you every day as we both work this painful journey together. Hard to believe this will be my second holiday season with out Tom. We go one yes, our faith gets stronger, we experience God’s presence, find rest in His comfort, yet we will miss our husbands every moment of every day.

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    • Hold the Faith

      Thank you Patty. There are many of us, plodding on, but each one of us on a very personal journey. Unless there are very understanding family members and friends, the expectation seems to be that ‘you should be over it by now’. However, you are correct… it IS a painful journey without the one who was so important to us in this physical life.
      Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It means a lot. {{{hugs}}}

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      • Patty B

        I came to the conclusion months ago that we will never get over it. I know what you mean though. But I have a few close friends who know that I will not get over it soon if ever. To those others ones I just to think that they may think they are being helpful to us – but sadly we know – you just can’t get over living with someone for 35 yrs for me…. another dear blogging friend just told me to hold on to her hand so we can get walk through this together, so you hold on to my other hand – through each step we need to take. Email me anytime you need to “talk”.

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  2. Hold the Faith

    Patty, you are so right. It’s twenty-one years since our son died. Used to it, yes, but over it. No.
    They are two different kinds of losses. One flesh with a spouse. (And those first weeks feel like part is being torn out), the other came out of the body. One, hope in the present, the other hope for the future generations.
    All losses are a nightmare.
    This has been a difficult week as I found myself reflecting on being told he was dying. A year ago today, he went into hospice – for a day, so meet the staff, see the set-up, and that it wasn’t to be so stressful when the time came he needed it.
    That one night turned into three weeks, and he died.

    I know God was merciful. It would have been an incredible stress as he increasingly struggled to breath. End-stage pulmonary fibrosis is not a pleasant death. He was on huge amounts of oxygen per minute, and still struggled.

    I so look forward to seeing him again. For the moment he is at peace, awaiting his resurrection as the Bible promises.

    You are a blessing Patty. (I pray for ALL widows now that I know what if is like.)

    God bless and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you, And give you peace.
    {{{Hugs}}}

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  3. Jessie Hardy

    Hi Susan, Your journey since the loss of your husband 11 months ago parallels my journey in the death of my daughter five years ago now, but still as painful at certain times. So many things can bring the strong memories into deep focus and you are there again experiencing the same sense of pain and deep loss.

    Yes, our Living Saviour Christ is the only one we can turn to at times like these for comfort and encouragement.

    God bless you each day as you learn to “soldier on” with Jesus. Hope to catch up with you again soon, Jessie.

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    • Hold the Faith

      I arrived home safely, then last week had a series of incidents… one of which, concussion, was not pleasant. Neither was the skid in the wet. This week I am packing and cleaning ready for the next trip… to Wagga. I have a great DVD I would like to share, but it will be next year now. And thank you. The anniversary will be while I am away, but as you say, so many things trigger the memories. Will copy your email addy and be in touch.

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