Self-pity? No. Sadness? Yes.

This post is inspired by a couple of recent comments…

“Good to see you are looking forward and being positive Susan.” And another like it… “… you are not wallowing in self-pity.” (The latter came at the end of a very positive assessment of where I am.)

The other night, I did not feel so positive.

Busy bee cartoonFor some reason, evenings, and the ‘can’t-get-to-sleep’ times are the worst. Between memories, recriminations, and a very over-active mind, sleep is frequently driven away.


So there I was the other evening, trying to watch TV… not something Geoff and I were ever much interested in. Sorry to my American friends, but we have so many of your shows in the early evening that are either, rude, crude or violent… hmm, or a mixture of all. Therefore we didn’t watch much TV. Nowadays, sometimes I need to hear voices, so have looked at some selected programmes.

One evening I was staring at something not too bad on the screen, and awareness flowed over me. No one to talk about it to. (I have basically survived the no ‘good-mornings’ because most mornings my daughter texts me to say it.)

For a moment, (the thought did not come to birth), but it was forming in my mind. I won’t say it, but I will give you a hint… looking forward to this loneliness being over.

Gladius sword and text

God gives life, and He has blessed me with more time to grow in His image.

I remembered a man on my prayer list a long time ago, who wanted to die because he was lost in the desert of life without his wife of many years. I didn’t know what he felt like then… I do now.

However, in this time, God is blessing me with many opportunities to know Him better, to study the life His Son led, and which we are to follow, as well as to be totally reliant on Him. Yes, other people contact me, support and encourage me, but they cannot be with me twenty-four hours a day. God not only can, He does.Psalm 119, photo canvas

Sometimes I forget that, then someone will ring, send a card, text or email, and it cuts through the
sadness. If not, it is often in the Bible… or the text on the photo-canvas on the wall,

… or on the cushion, that travelled with us from the Feast last year, to Edinburgh, then home… and sits in a ‘cushion box’ staring at me.

Psalm 46When I look at it I smile.

Be still and know
Psalm 46:10


I smile for the reminder of Who is in charge

I smile at the memory of the young couple who gave us it

I smile at the memory of coming from the Edinburgh hospital, back to the flat and seeing it sitting on the bed… and I guess it also brings tears.

Then I can look at the photo-canvas with the scripture…

Your word is a lamp to my feet…
Psalm 119: 105

… and smile again, at the scripture, the photo, and thoughts of the special person who sent it.



To everyone who has supported, encouraged and prayed for me… thank you so much. You have no idea how important encouragement is.


I am trying to be more aware of giving it, generally. It’s easy to encourage friends and family. Outside that circle there are a lot of lonely people, who very much need to be cheered. Smile at someone in the shopping centre. Most times you will see a smile break out on that person’s face. So many people are in the midst of a difficult journey.

Or stand back and let the person in a rush, go first.

Just thinking


PS … the sword image is a Gladius, a weapon of the Roman soldiers… the type used in book 2 of the Apostle John series, Grow in Grace.


2 thoughts on “Self-pity? No. Sadness? Yes.

  1. Patty B

    First let me say…no need to apologize about American TV – trust me as an American our tv habits are exactly what you say. When I need to hear voices I enjoy popping in my old movies or watching Turner Classic Movies and PBS.
    Even though my daughter still lives at home the nights are indeed the most quiet. Tom and I would chat before we headed off to bed and in the early morning hours after the alarm would wake us up we would lie there in each other’s arms and sometimes discuss the day or nothing in particular. And like you I find much comfort in being in the presence of our Lord. He kept His promise and never left us – learning to live with Tom in my heart instead of next to me is not easy and sometimes does feel like I am lost in the desert of life. {Hugs}


  2. Hold the Faith

    Oh Patty, you ‘hit the nail on the head’. It’s those times when we talked… reviewed the day, planned the day, discussed the appointments… and talked about the people in the books I was writing. (I looked at the draft of the third book in the series… and knew I wasn’t ready…)

    I chose a DVD to watch for just that reason, but haven’t played it yet. We were very selective and I am not sure I could watch one alone.

    Now that I have gone back to putting together ‘Geoff’s Last Journeyings’ I spend more time at the computer. At the suggestion of the chaplain from the hospice where Geoff died, I will often read a Psalm, before going to say my prayers and climb into bed. Some nights I can sleep more easily than others.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement. It helps 🙂 and (hugs) back.


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