On God’s Side

And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth? 
Luke 18: 7,8

Circumstances in the last few months have led me to ponder the meaning of this scripture.

My husband died, and it was not an easy death. (As mentioned in a previous post he died of ‘end-stage’ pulmonary fibrosing… his lungs ‘smothered’ him.)

“You will be angry with God”, said staff at the hospice, “but don’t worry, God can take it.”

Why should I be angry with God?

  • Because Geoff died?
  • Because He didn’t heal Geoff? After all, over many years so many people prayed for him.
  • Because Geoff had the disease? Oh, that’s right. Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosing, that’s what they called it because they didn’t know the cause.

No. I loved my husband completely. He was my best friend as well as my husband. But I know God loved him more. I saw God’s mercy toward him… and experienced (and still do) His loving mercy toward me when things are too much.

I am not angry with God, nor can I see that I should be angry with God simply because I was told it was part of the grieving process.

I trust God.

I am sometimes unbearably sad. Countless times I have taken my tears and grief to God. Yes, out of all of this, that’s one positive. I recognise my complete dependence on God.

submitSnaggitLooking at the pain I see in my brethren, the losses they suffer, the hurts and trials they are going through, some suffering persecution… and  I can only pray for each of them.

I pray for relief for them, and also that He will give each of them the strength to cope with what is going on in his or her life.

Because the way I look at the scripture I started with, it seems to be a matter of trust. Do I trust God to work His purpose out? I think that is the precursor of the faith the Son of Man will look to find.

Doesn’t the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ have in it, ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven’ ?

Did Christ ‘practice what he preached’?

Yes He did. In the Garden of Gethsemane, knowing He faced a horrifying death, He prayed…

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me. Yet not my will but yours be done.

God's will be done

So, if I became angry with God… would it not be because God’s will was done, not mine?

I don’t want that kind of responsibility.  God has the ‘big picture’. I trust Him to work His purpose out… and pray we will ALL have the strength to endure and have the faith He is looking for when He returns.

To quote Abraham Lincoln…

Abraham Lincoln quote

Just sharing some thoughts as I plod along this path, and consider the tests and trials of some dear friends and brethren.



Fixing what can be fixed

It is almost a month since I last wrote anything for here. But, as well as grieving, I have been ‘busy’.

Looking back…

Grow in Grace, cover imageWhen Geoff and I set off on our travels, he took his eBook with him, and was reading Grow in Grace (book 2 in the Apostle John series). It had been published a little before our trip.

It wasn’t long before he told me there were some ‘typos’, and started writing them down for me. He showed me some ‘weird’ characters. I looked at the same section on my Kindle and saw nothing.

On our return, it was straight into the heartache of watching my precious husband struggle for breath in ‘end-stage pulmonary fibrosing’. (Even the doctors had thought he had another infection, but a Gallium scan proved otherwise.) At that stage it was thought that he would have months to live. Two large 8 litre oxygen converters were delivered, hooked together to meet his high oxygen needs, so was a back-up cylinder.

air-bed control

Even a hospital bed with a vibrating mattress was delivered and set up, because in the hospital he had developed a bedsore.

He said to me, “You had better hurry up with that third book if you want me to help.” He had done the first edit on Hold the Faith and Grow in Grace, telling me where I needed more information, or had been inconsistent.

Book 3 is still in draft form. I wanted something to happen, and could not figure out how to accomplish it. I had enlisted Geoff’s help but we were both ‘stuck’, so the draft waited.

More recently…

After Geoff died, and I started to work through all the things on a long  ‘To Do’ list, I remembered that Grow in Grace needed attention. So I ‘unpublished’ it.

He had not finished reading and checking it; he was  too ill, and it took all his effort to breath.

Eventually, I was able to look at the manuscript. I had found Geoff’s notes, and fixed the things he had noted. The weird symbols had to be extra spaces, so went through checking for them too.

Since he had started it, had worked to help ‘fix’ it, I decided I should continue and republish it. Bit by bit, I worked through the manuscript, missing him. I couldn’t say “You’ll never guess what I found…” I couldn’t thank him for what he had done. Checking the text had some very difficult moments. Going through the section where Alexander’s mother died was… painful. Although it had been written with past experience, one comment Alexander made to Samuel was eerily true in my current situation.

The other day, I republished Grow in Grace. Thursday or Friday I think. A little more than two months since his death.

quote 'miss my best friend'

I have a long way to grow. (Not a typo ) I do have a long way to grow. How long I have to live – I do not know… but I am holding fast to my faith and hope, and grateful for the support I am receiving.

Tread softly